Clarence the Housecat

by Henri of Twin Brook

I was performing my morning ritual, gazing at the birdhouses hanging outside the window of the computer room when Raymond Hazelwitz, rodent activist, walked through the bushes. . His running shoes, tied together by their laces, were slung over his shoulder. "Pussycat," he squeaked loudly, "I want to talk to you about Clarence." I pried the window open. Raymond jumped from a branch of the holly bush onto my person's computer desk. "What about Clarence?" I meowed. "He's not sick, is he?" "No, I don't think so......" Raymond looked worried, a frown creasing his smooth brow. "But he's gotten this idea, that he would like to become a housecat.....I'd like your take on it and would like to know if you could meet with Clarence some evening, like tonight, and offer him some advice about the situation." "Well," I meowed, "it's a bit unusual for a cat, who has lived in the wilds all of his life, to adapt to this type of living arrangement but I'd be happy to discuss the pros and con of indoor habitation with Clarence." "Oh, thank you, Pussycat!" chattered Raymond. "I knew you'd come through for me!" "Raymond, my name is not Pussycat!. It's Henri, Henri of Twin Brook...." "Right, Henri then..." Raymond smoothed his whiskers. "I can bring Clarence around about eight o'clock tonight?" "Fine," I answered, "but just out of curiosity, why does he think he will find someone who will let him become a housecat? To become a housecat, one needs a house and a person to open the door to the house, if you get my meaning, Raymond." Raymond shrugged his shoulders. "Clarence thinks he has found that person and that house..." "A human person?" I hissed. "And a real house? Amazing!" Raymond's hairless tail snapped back and forth, leaving an arc in the dusty desk top. "I, myself have not seen the human or the house involved. I thought, together we could do the research on suitability and safety. One must always consider the safety factor in these matters." "Indeed," I agreed. "Bring Clarence around tonight. See you then." I went back to observing the birdhouses and then, resting my head on my paws, I napped. Promptly at eight o'clock that evening, Raymond scratched on the computer room window and I slipped through the narrow opening I had left in the basement doorway. The three of us, Raymond, Clarence and I ducked under the branches of the holly tree. "It's good to see you again, Clarence," I growled. It's always appropriate to growl at another tom cat when meeting at night. "Yeah, right....," he growled back, letting his upper lip reveal his teeth. I noticed that an eye tooth and front tooth were missing. "Um, I thought that you could learn me the proper meows and headbutts to use when a cat wants to become a housecat like you." I looked at Clarence. His fur was a mass of gray spikes, greasy and matted with mud and the dust of fallen leaves. One ear had fallen victim to a ferocious cat fight. It was tattered and ragged by bites and claws. Scars criss-crossed the bridge of his wide nose. He was not a pretty sight. Years of living in the wilds of Evergreen Lake and the streets of the city had taken it's tole on the poor beast. He looked tired. The spring had left his prancing walk. The sparkle had left his wary eyes. "I will do everything I can to help you Clarence," I meowed, "but tell me, why do you think a human would want you to become their housecat?" Clarence sniffed and hissed belligerently, "Because he's nice to me! That why! Every morning he opens the back door and puts out a bowl of really good food and calls 'kitty, kitty, here kitty' and then he looks at me and says 'nice kitty'." "That's a good sign!" squeaked Raymond. "Isn't that a good sign, Henri?" I nodded. "It could be. You think this is a 'he' human? How do you know that, Clarence?" "He sorta smells like a 'he' person. And he has a deep voice like mine. I guess you could say we are bass baritones......the both of us." "That's a good sign!" chattered Raymond. "Isn't that a good sign, Henri?" I nodded again. "Tell me Clarence, why do you want to become a housecat?" Clarence stared at his paws. His meow was barely audible above the night sounds. "I'm not a young tom cat anymore. Winter is coming and it's getting harder and harder to walk on the hard ground and climb over snow banks. My paws get so cold and sore. My hips hurt a lot and I can't run very fast anymore. Last week one of the young toms, new to the colony, beat me up. I lost some fur on the top of my head and he cut my lip. See?" He stuck his lower lip out so we could inspect the damage. It had been lacerated. "If Carlyle hadn't come to help me I probably would have been booted out of the colony. Carlyle would take over as top cat if I decide to leave....The queens don't find me attractive anymore and since my own queen died, it's been very lonely, sorta..." "If you really feel secure with this human, I will be glad to help you anyway I can, Clarence." I purred. "Has he every tried to pet you?" The big cat's eyes brightened. "Last week I got close enough to let him pat my head. He said I was a beautiful kitty." "He must be blind! The poor creature must be blind!" Raymond chattered loudly. "He is not blind!" growled Raymond, taking a wide swipe at the rodent's head. "He just likes me. Can't a hoomin bean like me?" "Of course, of course! No offense!" squealed Raymond, quickly backing away from the paw aimed at his nose. "He likes you for your personality and baritone voice." Behind his paw, he whispered, "His meow can curdle the blood......" "I have a suggestion, Clarence. We could do a cat make-over. I mean, like clean you up a bit and polish your toenails and wash out your ears....things like that. I'm sure my housemates, Helen and Erika would be glad to help." "Clean? Does that have anything to do with water?" Clarence looked suspicious. "Just a tad," offered Raymond. "You'll hardly notice." "When can we do this make-up thing?" growled Clarence. I thought for a moment. "Tomorrow night, my persons will be out all evening until late. They meet with other persons and come home really tired. We can have the house all to ourselves." Clarence shrugged his shoulders. "It you think it would help me if I get cleaned up, I'll do it." "It's all set then, huh, Henri? We'll come by around seven?" Raymond's whiskers twitched. I wasn't sure if I had not gotten myself into a situation I would regret. But I was true to my instincts. Clarence could be made presentable with a little tender care. After Raymond and Clarence had left, I ran into the house and called to my housemates. Carefully I explained to Helen and Erika the scope of the project ahead of me. "He is one dirty cat!" observed Erika who is always very observant about the negative aspects of one's appearance. "We can take care of that, Erika," purred Helen. "A little shampoo, a little water and a good brushing will do a lot to enhance any cat's looks." "Make that a lot of shampoo, a lot of water and vigorous brushing," added Sidney. "And what about the smell? Clarence is one dirty, very smelly puss-cat." "A trip to the cat hospital will take care of the smell," meowed Helen. "I understand it's practically painless surgery." I glared at her! How dare that female make light of the agony I suffered when my anatomy was permanently altered! Not to mention the mental anguish which still plagues my feline dreams! I brushed off her crude, offensive meows and waited patiently for the next evening when the team of cat and rat would work our magic on a less than beautiful cat. The hours dragged by but finally a tap on the computer room window told me that our challenge of the century was about to begin. Helen and Sidney rushed down the basement stairs and bid welcome to our guests, Raymond Hazelwitz and Clarence of Evergreen Lake. Quickly they ushered them upstairs. "This is the bathroom, Clarence, where the transformation will take place," purred Helen. "Think of it as a bit of cat heaven, a place where butterflies flit across verdant fields....A place where birds flit from the trees to greet you." "Don't get carried away, Helen!" I hissed. "Let's get the make-over under way." "He needs more than a make-over, Henri," meowed Sidney. "Clarence needs plastic surgery...." "Bite your tongue, cat," growled Raymond snapping his rope like tail across Sidney's tender nose. "Now, Clarence, I want you to jump into the tub, close your eyes tight and look up at the sky." With some hesitation, the cat leapt into the bathtub, squeezed his eyes shut and pointed his scarred nose toward the ceiling. Erika, a bottle of shampoo clutched in one paw and with Helen's assistance, turned the faucets which released a torrent of water onto the head of the unsuspecting Clarence. "OWWWWERRRAAAAARRWWWWRAWREWOWOW!!!!" Clarence bolted like a rocket! I caught him mid-air. His legs flayed the air, his paws clawed the sponge which was saturated with doggie shampoo. Sidney grabbed his rear feet and hung on tightly. I straddled his back and held him tightly around the neck. Clarence's face was washed by the energetic paws of Raymond and his hind feet and paws were bathed by the soothing touch of Helen. Erika cleaned out his ears and manicured his front paws, clipping his toenails to an acceptable length. "Meeeooowrrrowwwwowowowwowrrow! The cries continued for the duration of the bath. I held, Sidney, Helen, Raymond and Erika scrubbed and buffed. Erika poured the shampoo. Helen adjusted and directed the flow of cleansing water from the shower head. "I'm going to die! I am already drowned! I can feel my soul passing through my nose! My lungs are oozing out my ears!" he wailed. Raymond sniffed. "Clarence got water up his nose," he explained to wide eyed Sidney, who had become filled with fear of the creature who moaned and thrashed about the tub. "He'll calm down soon or he will collapse from exhaustion. Either way, he will stop rupturing our eardrums with his howls and screeches." "I'm so glad to hear that!" hissed Sidney, who was as wet and soapy as the subject of our make-over. We were all wet and soapy but soon, the shampoo, the grease, the dust and mud flowed toward the drain and disappeared. The six of us stood in the bathtub, somewhat relieved at the end of the ordeal. Five of us were shocked by the sight of the cat who had been newly bathed and scrubbed. Clarence was not a dirty gray cat with greasy, matted fur. He was a bright orange stripped pussy cat, his fur all clean and glistening and wet. "Get the towels, Helen." I pointed to the linen closet. "I think we'll need all of them. The floor looks like the Atlantic Ocean had flooded over." Together, the five of us, rubbed and buffed Clarence until his fur stood on end. Helen finished with a quick blow dry from our person's hair dryer. A dab of my person's hair conditioner and a gentle brushing brought errant tufts under control and added sheen. Erika ran into the bedroom, hopped onto the dresser and brought back a hand (paw?) mirror. She held it up to Clarence's face. He snarled and backed up quickly squashing poor Sidney against the bathtub. Rraawrrr!" snarled Clarence. "Who let that cat in here?! I will chew his head off! He isn't so tough!!" "Hold it, kitty cat!" squealed Raymond. "That's you! Don't you even recognize your own reflection?" "What's a reflection?" Clarence looked confused. "I don't know anything about reflections. Do they come from the sky or something?" Raymond helped push Sidney to his feet. "That cat is even dumber than you, Sidney!" "You think so?" Sidney grinned. "That's very nice of you to say so, Raymond." The rat shook his head. "I'm surrounded by feline idiots!" he growled. It was Helen who explained the concept of reflections to Clarence. She convinced him that a strange cat had not invaded the sanctity of the bathroom. Since it was getting cold outside, I persuaded our newly washed kitty to spend the night in the warm basement. Helen and Erika prepared a warm and cozy bed from a discarded quilt. Then they showed him the litter pans and poured water from the laundry tub faucet into a bowl which they left on the drain board. I tore a hole into the bag of cat food stored on a shelf. When we had finished, the basement looked like the finest of five star hotels, fit for a king! We said goodnight to Clarence and told him we would waken him at five o'clock the next morning. Raymond and I would then escort him to the home of the person who had been kind to him. We would keep our paws crossed and hope for the best.... At daybreak we awakened Clarence who was sleeping deeply, a big grin on his battle scarred face. Helen, Sidney and Erika gave him head butts and meowed their best wishes and purred for his success...We walked briskly that morning. I could tell that Clarence was nervous. His whiskers kept twitching and it seemed Raymond and I couldn't walk fast enough to suit. Finally we were there. We stared at the back door of the house, waiting for it to open. Finally we saw HIM. He was big and bearded. Slowly, Clarence walked toward the peron who held a bowl of food in his hand. "Meow! Let him know that you are the same cat! Meow!" Raymond commanded. Clarence's deep baritone cut the morning air. It was like thunder, loud and raspy, as if the clouds had hiccuped. "Kitty? Is that you, Kitty? My, don't you look grand? You're all cleaned up! Why you're the color of sunshine! That's what I'll call you! Sunshine! You're such a beautiful cat!" He scooped Clarence into his arms and rubbed his face against him. "You have to live with me now. No more living on the street. You're much to pretty for that!" "That person must be blind!" squeaked Raymond. His voice was husky and I saw the glimmer of tears in the rodent's eyes. I, felt the flood of emotion and for a moment, I couldn't get a meow beyond my tongue. Clarence turned his head to look at us. We were still under a bush and barely visible from the house. Our friend winked and uttered a short meow. It was the voice of a happy cat! "Are those your friends, Sunshine?" I knew then, that the person could see us. Carefully, I stepped forward, just clearing the branches of the bush. Raymond clung to my leg. "You tell your friends they can come and visit anytime. They will always be welcome in your home....." We walked back to my house, slowly, savoring the freshness of the morning air. Raymond sobbed uncontrollably. "So touching! I'm so happy for our friend! I feel so good about everything now! You are really such a decent cat, Henri of Twin Brook!" "Yeah, right," I growled hoarsely. I patted Raymond Hazelwitz on the head and lifted him onto my back. "I'll give you lift home, old buddy." The End