Groundhogs on Mars

by Tramp

Many of you know about the rodents who rule humanity with their annual peep above ground. Do you really know why they peep above ground? It's not for reasons your humans have been led to belive. Once, a long time ago, the Groundhogs of Mars decided to colonize a new planet. Theirs was much too crowded, and a drought had caused the planet to slowly waste away as the remaining groundwater slowly trickled to the planet's hot core through their foolish network of tunnels. The head groundhog, Sally, was pregnant for the first time and decided to take this matter seriously, as she didn't want her little groundhog babies to perish on her forsaken planet. She gathered together the women groundhogs (the men were all watching the Super Tunneling Bowl on T.V.) and told them they must invent a tunnel to take them to the bright planet she had seen in her dreams. Of course, they all told her she was having difficulties with the pregnancy that made her hallucinate this so called paradise. Whereupon, she had one groundhog lady put in the stocks as an example of what happens to foolish little underling groundhogs who crossed her brilliant ideas with their groundless concerns. As all the other little groundhogs regained their proper place in their humble social standings, she continued her plans. She wanted them to create a tunnel to Earth. They looked at each other and sighed. After she had waived them off to go home, they became more and more depressed. They knew they might be put in the stocks if they didn't do what she had demanded. As they became more and more grouchy, the menfolk of the groundhog race became worried for their lives. Groundhog females can get quite dangerous when they have something particularly horrid on their minds. So, the men of the groundhogs called an emergency summit on Mars. They discussed the growing foul mood of their partners, and what they could possibly do to solve this problem. They sat and thought... and thought... and thought... and worried... and thought... The only problem was, their minds drew a complete blank. Such a complete blank, they formed a collective unity between their minds that took on cosmic powers. As they sat together, thinking and scratching their respective groundhog tushies, the lack of content in their mind was reflected into reality, forming a black hole leading straight from Mars to Earth. They continued to sit and think together, because the groundhog men were very dense and didn't notice any changes to their environment unless the changes were pointed out immediately, which was usually done by the female groundhogs. It was about this time that the female groundhogs became furious at the male groundhogs, for they felt the males were leaving them to this difficult task. They had decided the males should step up and start being the manly groundhogs that the females (rightfully so, they said) expected of them. As the female groundhogs gathered in the streets and started for the groundhog tavern where all the males were currently holed up in, their numbers grew and their tempers raised the procession into a raging mob. The male groundhog doing watch duty at the tavern saw the females and panicked, for he saw his wife at the lead of the procession. The glint off of her wedding band reminded him that today was their anniversary, and he just knew the groundhog women were out to skin him alive for not getting her a present. He began to scream in terror, causing a mass wave of chaos to wash over the male groundhogs. They began to stampede out the back door and were sucked into the black hole, which immediately closed in fear at the sight of all those angry girl groundhogs... The pressure of the black hole distorted the groundhog's vision so much that when they landed, everything above the ground looked like a huge, angry, female groundhog. In panic, the groundhog men all burrowed underground. Once a year, they all peep above the ground to see if it's safe to come out... and every year all they see are huge, angry, girly groundhogs.